I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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