How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
