She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The Olympian is in my bed
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
