i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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