Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
