I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
