I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
it was like eating out sand paper
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
