her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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