I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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