Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
