allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
