A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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