i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
40s are totally the cure
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
