I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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