Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
