I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
