just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
