How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
