don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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