Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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