home. puking in laundry basket.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
