I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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