I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
