allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
