Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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