Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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