Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
