I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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