After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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