it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
my shit smells like andre
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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