hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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