you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
