i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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