Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
