That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
