feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Last time i carry you out of a forest
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
