when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
