i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
