Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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