I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
