Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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