Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
There's always time for handjobs
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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