i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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