I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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