I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
