billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
