My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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