I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
