She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
