Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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