God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
