Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Randomize
